Food of Wrong

hospital food reviewed

2008-11-13T11:11:00.001Z

This is a bit off topic I guess and there's no pictures, but this food was truly disgusting.
I have been ill and had to spend a few days in hospital, and the food was one of the worst things about the stay, just shocking. I tend to eat mostly vegetarian, although I am actually omnivorous. I just don't feel the need to eat tons of meat. Unfortunately all the veggie options were smothered in greasy cheese, which I hate more than I hate meat, so I ate processed meat way too often. On to the food...

Ham Sandwich
Ham was surprisingly ok, nice and thick and chewy, not the horrible wafer thin sort. There was far too much margarine and the bread was so stale it was curling at the edges. The salad on the side had been mistreated horribly too. The cucumber was completely dried out and shrunken. Tomato was ok, luckily the cut side faced down onto the plate so it was still juicy, and the salad leaves were yellowing and wilted.
3/10.

Shepherd's Pie & Broccoli
The broccoli was actually crispy around the edges and the stalks were overcooked and mushy. I wonder how that was done? I have never been able to cook broccoli like that (luckily). The mashed potato was moulded into something resembling a decorative plaster ceiling moulding for some reason. It was very chewy and dense. Did not fall apart in the mouth at all. Also very dry. It was a lot like the instant mashed potato we were made to eat when I was a kid and on camping trips with the Brownies. The filling was also overcooked. The carrots and onions were falling to bits and the mince was leathery. The sauce was very thick and tasted exactly like reconstituted gravy granules where not enough water has been put in.
2/10

Sweet and sour chicken
This looked very pale and anaemic. Soggy rice, dry chicken pieces, canned pineapple and pieces of pepper. Very pale sauce and not much of it, most of the moisture comes from the water left in the rice. The chicken resembles polystyrene pellets used for packaging fragile things, does not taste of anything. The pineapple is obviously canned but is still recognisable as pineapple. The peppers are bitter and slimy, and have obviously been frozen, that texture is unmistakeable. There are lumps of egg and dried chives in the rice. The sauce tastes roughly like sweet and sour sauce but very artificial. The whole thing is just bland. This is worse than the worst Chinese takeaway I've had and also worse than the cheapest sweet and sour microwave ready-meal I have had while too hung over to cook. Certainly a low point.
1/10. It only gets the one as it was technically food and I had no ill effects.

Cheese and tomato... thing
I didn't eat this one. I lifted the lid off the plate to see orangey yellow glossy slime coating pasta and the horrible stench of the cheapest melted processed cheese. I refused to eat it and had grapes and crackers for my dinner instead.

block of green goo (EDIT: HALWA)

2008-08-27T14:47:00.003Z

This was purchased for me in Brick Lane by the lovely Nik.
It is a block of green goo. (EDIT: I found out it is called Halwa)

It looks like either modelling clay or a prop from a sci-fi film. I can imagine alien larva incubating in a vat full of this.
It had no packaging and was given to me in a plain plastic bag.
It has an oily sheen, and the texture is like wet cake or crumbly jelly. A poor description but the best I can do. It has pistachio bits in it.
Tastes like golden syrup and a hint of pistachio.
It's ok, I suppose.
Would not buy again.
5/10

green tea tom yum instant noodles

2008-07-06T21:27:00.002Z

I bought these as they were 25p and the package made them look to be an unearthly shade of grass green. Well, I was sold.

Inside the pack this is what you get. They are nowhere near as green as I was expecting. Boo! Reading the ingredients, I noticed that the green colour is mostly due to spinach, they contain less than 1% green tea, but at that price, what do you expect. The flavour sachet is mostly dried powdered vegetables such as leeks, plus chilli.

They are even less green when cooked but they taste pretty decent, far better than other noodles I've had in the same price bracket. You can certainly taste the spinach.
Boring. They were ok, but nothing special. I'd have them again though, as they are cheap and relatively tasty. I do have some more unusual kinds of instant noodles to review though so watch this space.
Verdict?
6/10

I believe this is kimchi but I can't be certain.

2008-01-26T14:38:00.000Z

I think this went off by the time I got round to eating it. It had a distinct undertone of rot to the usual hot/sour taste. It actually wasn't too bad but it made my stomach hurt for a bit.

This is, of course, assuming that it IS kimchi. I can't read the package but I think that is what it was. Hmm.

4/10 as I am unsure of how to judge this

It's been too long

2008-01-26T14:15:00.000Z

I'm back!
Posting resumes today with the contents of the bag of food Rosie bought back from Taiwan for me.

unusual lollipop thing

2007-05-31T22:01:00.000Z

This is a lemon and lime flavoured sweet entirely encrusted in... chilli flakes. It was a gift from a friend from latin america, but I am not sure if people eat these for fun anywhere in the world. Maybe he was just messing with me.
It's not too bad. The burning sensation with the lemon and lime kind of works, a bit like the vodka shots with tabasco in them. I couldn't finish it though.
I think this would be nice with tequila. Or while drunk. Or both.
7/10

Dried Beancurd Spicy Flavour

2006-09-12T21:11:00.000Z

and the product itself:

Chewy fake meat jerky like sticks of dried tofu.

Nasty. Like meat flavoured Dairylea or chewing on pencil erasers. Sort of meaty, a lot savoury, a bit mushroomy, a bit oxo-y. Texture is just horrible.
Rubbish.
1/10

Vegetarian 'Chicken' Nuggets

2006-09-12T21:04:00.000Z

More fake meat based on soya!

The reccomended serving for these little buggers is 3 per person, which seems a little stingy since they are only small. Emptied onto a plate, they are small and whitish and lumpy. The cooking instructions were vague, saying just to bake or microwave them but not how long or on what heat. Flatmate Dan decided that 5 minutes on high in the microwave should do it, and 3 minutes or so in we were assaulted by a strong smell of chicken oxo cubes emanating from said oven. Opened the door and they were hissing and popping and seemed cooked, but man, did they look unappetising:

Mmmmm. Pale lumps with a faint sheen of grease.
They were chewy, with odd gristly bits I think might have been on purpose, but why anyone would want to recreate the texture of mechanically recovered chicken is beyond me. And as for the taste? Amazingly accurate! They were just like birds eye chicken dippers or mcdonalds nuggets without the crispy coatings. Seriously, coat these in breadcrubs and deep-fry the fuckers and you'd never know the difference.
And as fot the warning of 3 per person? It's true, they are incredibly filling and gave Dan a tummy ache.
Sad little balls of misery. Avoid. (unless you are a vegetarian or vegan who misses the worst kinds of junk food)
2/10

Tiger Skin Rainbow Roll

2006-09-12T20:43:00.000Z

It has no resemblance to tiger skin, either on the outside or on the inside, see?

It came from the chiller cabinet of the chinese supermarket alongside the mochi and bean based desserts.
It's got a marshmallowy texture, you know the one, the kind of cheap cake you had at birthday parties as a kid. It's sweet and... cakey to eat. I think the coloured bits are meant to have different flavours, the pink being strawberry, the green being pandan and the brown chocolate, but they actually taste identical. At least it looks interesting even if it doesn't taste it.
Although something on the label captured Ben's attention and after a bit of research it transpired that this cake contains glycol; a type of antifreeze, and propylene; a hydrocarbon. Worrying, especially as there is a possibility that they are carcinogenic. Yes, I know everything gives you cancer these days, I'm just more disturbed by antifreeze being an inredient in cake.
Um.
3/10

Black pepper delicious dried beancurd

2006-09-12T18:16:00.000Z

This actually announces that it's made from genetically modified soybeans on the packaging. How... unusual. It looks like this:

Oddly remeniscent of dried bits of skin on shrunken heads. I've had vegan jerky made from soy before and expected this to be similar, but it was easier to chew than I was expecting. About the texture of sultanas. It's sweet but still peppery, not bad. Makes your fingers greasy. It's ok, I suppose.

5/10

Natto

2006-08-30T18:22:00.000Z

I'd been interested by the idea of eating Natto ever since I saw it being cooked on Iron Chef and was basically horrified by what it looked like. Something that looks that grim has to be interesting, right?

It's basically fermented (rotten) soybeans.

Well, you ought to be careful what you wish for as a few days back, Ben got me some and presented me it for breakfast, as apparently that is how it is meant to be eaten. I think this was just sadistic, but anyhow...

Natto in the bowl with the sachets of soy sauce and mustard you eat it with.
The first thing I noticed about it was the smell. It was pungent, but I couldn't quite place what it reminded me of. I stirred in the contents of the sachets and UGH UGH UGH
HOLY SHIT THE TEXTURE OF IT
NO NO NOOOOO

The picture does not fully illustrate the horror:

The beans were coated with a thin mucusy looking substance that stretched into strands when you lifted the fork... it was EXACTLY like someone had sneezed into a bowl of beans.
And then the smell hit me again. It was like particuluarly ripe socks. The sort that have been worn for a while and have to be softened up with a hammer to become wearable. The kind of socks you can imagine belonging to Lister from Red Dwarf or to my boyfriend if he has been cycling all day in hot weather.
I ate some anyhow. I drew back my lips from my teeth so the mucus would not trail on me, took a deep breath and ate a forkful. And...
... it tasted ok. Just non-specific savoury, not bad or offensive at all.
Surprising.

I ate a bit more, then gave up. It really didn't taste all that bad, but gusts of the vile stench kept getting me, and I had to admit defeat and put it in the bin.

And the next day I was washing up and noticed a foul, foul smell coming from the bin. Investigated, and found the source was the natto, which had ripened up considerably over the previous 24 hours and was now infecting the kitchen with it's reek.

This stuff is a health hazard and I cannot understand why it is sold as food.

1/10

Reindeer Salami

2006-08-30T18:01:00.000Z

This looked interesting and it was pretty cheap. I like venison so I thought I'd like this, although I'd never had actual reindeer before.

It was...
just like normal salami. No difference at all unfortunately. Nice, but boring. Although it was cheaper than most salami and of equally nice flavour so I can't complain really. How disappointing.

6/10

Trinketto

2006-08-30T17:54:00.000Z

From the same place as Ben got the Marcianitos I reviewed back in May.
Bottle looks like a sex toy, it tastes like strawberry syrup from hell. Vile. Absolutely vile, shouldn't be consumed by anyone.

0/10

Seafood Cocktail

2006-08-30T17:47:00.000Z

I was presented with this lovely jar of... stuff by some 'friends' a while back:

Mmmmm. Assorted seafood in a jar with vinegar and vegetables. Doesn't sound too bad...

I opened it and tipped it out and it looked like this:

mussels, prawns, capsicum, squid and... THIS

A small (4cm long) pink and purple baby octopus!! Holy shit! It was amazing looking!

I cooked some pasta and mixed in the contents of the jar, producing this:

I ate it and it was... ok. The vinegar was too strong and all the seafood was leathery but I've had far worse and it was edible I guess. I ate it all, even the baby octopus, who, by the way, made an amazingly satisfyingly squishy noise as I crunched his head between my teeth. And for that it gets an extra point.

5/10

dried anchovies

2006-08-30T17:45:00.000Z

I like anchovies so the idea of eating them dried didn't bother me so much. They looked like this in the bag:

Out of the bag, I noticed they still had all the heads and bones and guts attached, which made me a little apprehensive, but still. They were recognisable as fish at least, and given some of the stuff I have eaten, that certainly counted as a bonus. Here is what they looked like:

I decided to make a tomato based curry with the anchovies as an ingredient, and I have to admit the taste was fine. It had the intense salty fishiness you expect from anchovies, but there was a sore point: the texture. There was nothing in the way of cooking instructions on the package so I decided to soak them in hot water for a while, then chop them and add them to the sauce. Still a bit grim, I'm afraid. They were leathery and chewy and not very nice, although the taste they added to the rest of the curry was lovely.

Note to self: use these to make stock, do not attempt to actually eat them.

2/10

Ahaa fish pickle

2006-07-04T12:05:00.000Z

I like the name. Very Alan Partridge.
This is an Indian pickle condiment made from fish. It does not specify the type of fish on the ingredients... mmm.... mystery fish... I am guessing it is made from the fish that are too ugly, whiskery and malformed to sell in one piece unless they scare people.

Contents of the jar are grainy and a gorgeous glossy deep red colour. It's a typical Indian pickle, fenugreek, oil and chilli heavy. It smells more spicy than fishy, not too bad. I tried a bit on some bread. It wasn't bad. Imagine the texture of large chunks of anchovy, that dry flaky fish feel when chewing, but less 'fishy' and smothered in chilli, and you have it. I can't complain about the flavour, it was very nice, but there is too much oil, in my opinion. The fish is swimming in it (unintentional pun, sorry), and it has a nasty greasy aftertaste which spoils something that could have been really, really good.

It does have an amazing lid though:

So I will forgive it almost anything.

This would be fine as a condiment on the side of your plate with a couple of other types of pickle as well.

6/10

Fake Duck

2006-06-22T10:52:00.000Z

Another gluten based meat imitation from a can. Hopefully this will be nicer than the pork.

Out of the tin

Look at the way they have textured it so it looks like duck skin! I find attention to detail like this kind of endearing.

It tastes, when cold, pretty much unlike duck. It's got a similar spongey texture to the fake pork, but less flabby and more firm, and has a smell very much like malted breakfast cereal, ie. Shreddies. Tried a bit of it cold and it was a little slimy, and not very nice, but I thought to give it a fair chance it had to be cooked, so I boiled some noodles, lightly fried the fake duck, and mixed it with the noodles, shredded cucumber and onions and some hoisin sauce.
This was the result:

It was nice. Hoisin and cucumber and spring onions with duck in pancakes is a classic meal, and this wasn't far off. I can't afford real duck, and the fake duck matched nicely with the vegetables and the sauce, adding an element of savoury and chewiness that was most welcome. You could tell it wasn't real duck, of course, but that didn't stop it tasting pretty good. I ate all of it, and that involved no effort whatsoever.

7/10

Ginseng Drink

2006-06-21T17:53:00.000Z

and out of the bottle:

the root thing:

It smells like gardening. The sweet taste hits you first, like fresh peas but sweeter, very clean and vegetabley. It's like essence of vegetable. It's got a bitter aftertaste like chicory or radish. It looked really interesting in the bottle, like a specemin from a wizard's laboratory or something, and it cost me £1.99, a bit steep I think.
For once this is not syrupy or cloying, and when drinking it from a glass the roots from the ginseng tuber got in my nose. I draw the line at actually eating the piece of ginseng. This is weird. It's not horrible and I don't want to drink any more of it, but it's better than most other drinks I've tried. It might be possible to develop a taste for this. Apparently it's good for you too.
I'm giving it 5/10 which is a blatant cop-out.

Green Bean Dessert Drink

2006-06-21T17:49:00.000Z

Looks like mixed legumes in pond water. Smells of nothing. This was actually meant to be consumed straight from the packet with a big straw but I wanted to have a look at it, probably a mistake.
Tasted it and... oh no, not again! I am not into the south-east Asian idea that beans go well with sugar. They don't. It tastes like plain beans with a bit of sugar in the water, and that, for me, does not work. I like lentils, beans, whatever, when savoury and I know this is a cultural thing, but I can't convince myself that beans and sweetness is a palatable combination.
There's nothing actually wrong with it, I just don't like it, and I am thinking no sweet bean reviews any more since it's guarranteed that it's going to be vile, I'm not cut out for this.
4/10 and that's generous.

Wood Apple

2006-06-14T11:19:00.000Z

Bears an uncanny resemblance to a bottle of diluted mud. This is what a wood apple is, in case you were wondering. It's thick and custardy, and all in all not very nice. It tastes a bit overripe, like something on the verge of rotting, and certainly won't be tried again. Ugh.
2/10

Power Horse

2006-06-14T11:13:00.000Z

I don't know how obvious it is from the photo, but this comes in smaller-than-normal cans. And there's a reason for that: it's like red bull, but concentrated. I took my first swig of this and was so unprepared for the aggressive flavour that I spat it all over the floor. I composed myself and had another go, and yes, it is generic energy drink, but like a concentrate. It's also very artificial and pretty horrible, and I won't be drinking this again. I don't know why I am doing this to myself, as I don't like red bull very much.
I can't vouch for it's energy giving properties since I followed it by drinking a large amount of cider and therefore I slept like a log. I would give it another go, but there's nothing I feel the need to do penance for right at this moment.
3/10 since I am sure some people would drink this and enjoy it, although I am not one of them.

Papaya Milk

2006-06-14T11:09:00.000Z

This is alarmingly remeniscent of the Melon Milk a while back; perfectly ok fruit juice ruined by the unnecessary addition of milk, apart from one thing - it's even more sweet and I found it pretty much undrinkable. My boyfriend and flatmate thought it was ok, though, so it's a matter of personal opinion, and since it is my blog my opinion is this: too sweet for human consumption but a long way off horrible.
4/10

Grass Power

2006-06-14T11:07:00.000Z

The smug twat in the suit on the bottle and the fact that apparently wheatgrass is very good for you cannot hide the fact that this tastes just like you set fire to some weetabix and put it out with syrup.
1/10

Tantra Erotic Drink

2006-06-14T11:00:00.000Z

Ahh, the bitter stench of false promises. I was expecting this to be delicious nectar that would transform me into some irresistable nymph (not really but I like the chance to have a good whinge) but all that happened is it tasted of cheap supermarket ripoff red bull clone with a bit of orange peel in it, and I felt precisely as erotic as I did before, maybe a bit less due to it not tasting very nice. If you drink this seriously expecting it to do anything erotic for you then you need all the help you can get and probably could do with getting out a bit more.
Crap.
2/10

Clamato

2006-06-14T10:51:00.000Z

Ingredients

Instructions for serving, they said to 'rim' the glass, ahurhurhurhur *cough cough*

Tomato juice, with added clams. I was reccomended this for reviewing by a number of people, all of whom said it looked absolutely disgusting. Personally, I differed. I like tomatoes and I like seafood, there is no reason why a combination of the two would be bad. I could understand the revulsion if it was a combination of, say, clams and apple juice, but tomato? Not a bad idea.
This was confirmed by my tasting. I poured some into a glass, meaning to sip at it delicately, and suddenly it had all gone! It was really good. I know this could have something to do with the small amount of MSG that's in it, but I think it was mostly because this is actually very tasty and a great idea. The clams add a nice bit of depth and richness to the tomato and prevent it from tasting feeble and watery, which can sometimes be the case with plain tomato juice.
I put vodka in the left over juice, and it made the best bloody mary ever. It does not taste fishy, and if you hadn't been told that it was clams that were the secret ingredient it would be very hard to guess. They just add a certain something or other that is most welcome. Thumbs up.
10/10

Chendol Dessert

2006-06-14T10:50:00.000Z

What a cute can. Although I have eaten and drank enough stuff where the packaging lies so I shall err on the side of caution. Still, it is a lovely can. I opened it and this is what fell out into my dish!

How entirely unappetising and revolting looking is that? Pretty damn revolting. I tried it anyway, as I am stupid.
The beige 'soup' is coconut milky, tastes like it's been sweetened with a lot of dark brown sugar, there's a molasses-ey tinge in there somewhere. The green noodles taste of nothing and have the texture of cold wholeweat spaghetti, and the red beans are just like any other bean eaten cold in a salad, apart from the sweetness picked up from the soup, they are neutral and bean-ey, very bland. This looked worse than it tasted, and the taste was weak to the point of non-existent. The appearance and texture were plain hideous, and it loses points for that.
After a bit of deliberation, I give this a
3/10

Oh, if you want to read more on what chendol is, then have a look at This link.

Almond Milk

2006-06-14T10:49:00.000Z

This one is yummy! Like liquid marzipan! It's a little too sweet but those who like marzipan will love it. I need to work out what kind of alcohol would be a good match with this, I think it'd be excellent in cocktails.
9/10

Alcohol Killer

2006-06-14T10:02:00.000Z

This is a canned drink that claims to lower the level of alcohol in your bloodstream. Bought it as it looked... interesting. After reading the can, realised that this miraculous sobering up fluid only works as it dilutes the alcohol you have in you already. Drinking tap water will do that just as well. As will tea. Or just about anything except more alcohol. Tried it anyway and... bleurgh. It is like very gassy, very cheap lemonade, but watered down. Tescos economy lemonade mixed with extremely bubbly soda water. You'd have to be pretty drunk to actually want to drink a can of this. It also gave me a horrible case of trapped wind. Utter rubbish.
1/10

White Fungus dessert with Lotus Nuts

2006-06-01T11:19:00.000Z

close up

Watery, horribly
bland, slightly sweet. Fungus, bits of jellylike clear goop floating in syrup, with nuts that taste like macadamia nuts if you soaked them in water for months. Taste was not bad because it didn't actually taste of anything, but the texture was beyond hideous and out the other side.
0.5/10 - it gets half a point because it could have tasted a lot worse.

Never, EVER again.
For the sake of humanity all tins of this stuff in existence ought to be collected and blasted into the sun.

Here are some pictures of it and of me and Ben 'enjoying' it.

Melon Milk

2006-05-29T17:02:00.000Z

Flatmate Dan encouraged me to buy this because he thought the name was funny.
It smells ok, a bit artificial, very melony indeed. It's made from melons and milk, mostly. Pity about the colour of it, it's pale khaki, not very nice.
I got over the fear and had a try and it was actually ok. The milk was evident mostly in the texture, the taste entirely melony. I like melon because it's refreshing, but the milk spoiled this and made it less thirst quenching. Tasted fine, texture ruined by milk. It's unnecessary!
5/10

Black Soybean drink

2006-05-29T16:56:00.000Z

Unappetising beige-grey colour when it's poured. Pity, because the can was so lovely, easily one of the prettiest ones I've had. It doesn't smell of much.
Has a silky texture, reminds me of oats. It's sweet and milky but not cloying thanks to not being dairy. It's just like the milk left in the bottom of the bowl once you have finished eating your weetabix or all-bran, but without the floating 'bits' in.
Not the most exciting but perfectly acceptable, and one that tasted nicer than it looked.
7/10

Coconut Water

2006-05-29T16:48:00.000Z

I already had this one, sort of (the Coconut juice with pulp I had a few entries back). This one is far sweeter, sweet to the point of unpleasent and sickly. The other one was nicer, but the taste is the same really, toasted coconut and chewy bits.
Later on in the afternoon, a wasp comitted suicide in it. Look:

5/10

Stamina Conquerer Jamaican Roots Tonic

2006-05-29T16:44:00.000Z

It has a good name and a picture of a bodybuilder on the bottle. It's not dissimilar to the other two roots drinks I have tried, but more brown in colour, with a lot of sediment and small 'bits' floating around in it. It tastes strongly of sorrel, bitter, with a taste like fruity brown sauce and the aftertaste is reminiscent of rocket or dandelion. Quite nice with ice in it, but the flavour is very strong indeed and that makes it hard to drink.
6/10

Improved Allman Strength Roots Drink

2006-05-29T16:36:00.001Z

This is just like Zion Roots drink but fizzy, with virulently yellow foam on the top that looks like pollution washing onto the beach at Lowestoft. Tastes just like Zion Roots too, a combination of red cinzano and mud. It's a bit more watery and not entirely unpleasent with an ice cube in it.
4/1o

Shrimp Sauce

2006-05-29T16:36:00.000Z

Ingredients are shrimps and salt. Nice and concise.
It is literally mashed shrimps. Pour out a bit and you can see little mangled legs and eyes in it.

It certainly smells violently fishy. Aggressive even.
I tried a dab on my finger and it was uneatable on its own. Way too strong, like a shellfish version of anchovy paste. Not bad at all if you like shrimp, but certainly an ingredient ratherr than something to eat by itself.
To test this theory I stirfried some tomatoes, chinese mushrooms and spring onions, and had it with some rice and a generous dollop of the sauce stirred in and it was actually nice. It gave the same flavour as the liquid fish sauce but with chewy bits. Not bad at all.
as something to eat by itself: 2/10
as a cooking ingredient: 8/10

Nothing like as bad as it looks

Chrysanthemum Tea (made from scratch)

2006-05-29T16:35:00.001Z

Well, I felt creative and I had tried the ready made sort, so I got this from a chinese supermarket:

Yep, it looked like a bag of pot pourri.
Smelt pretty good too, so I bunged some in a glass with some brown sugar and added some boiling water, to be confronted by this 5 minutes later...

I think I may have put in too many chrysanthemums, I was not aware of how much they would expand when rehydrated.
Sieved it into another glass and tried a bit and it was foul. I definitely used too many chrysanthemums.
Bitter, stinky, like pee and jerusalem artichokes. Not nice at all.

I've still got a bag left of these, but I think they will not be made into tea. Not sure what to do with them, but drinking it is not an option.

You only find out these things through experimentation...
1/10 (but I think I made it wrong)

Soursop Juice

2006-05-29T16:35:00.000Z

Ugly warty vegetable on the can. lets hope it's not as bad as it looks.
Smells a bit like damp tea towels and tastes like something that's gone off and started to ferment and rot and go runny. The aftertaste reminds me of something, but I can't put my finger on it...
kind of bitter but not overly so, oddly savoury, although the main flavour is pretty fruity... I have it.
It reminds me of pasta with garlic, prawns and tomatoes. Not what I expected in a fruit drink. Maybe I'm going mad but that is honestly what the taste reminds me of.
It's yellow and cloudy and has sediment, looks like wee. If you must try it do yourself a favour and drink it out of the can so you do not have to look at it.
Revolting.
3/10

Apple and Mint juice

2006-05-29T16:34:00.000Z

I did not buy this on purpose. I was a bit drunk and tried to buy apple juice in the corner shop and came back with this by mistake as I can't read Polish and I didn't notice the mint leaves all over the packaging, I thought they were apple leaves or something. Anyway I took a swig and got a shock. Mint and apples is not nice together.
You know the taste you get if you drink juice just after you have cleaned your teeth? Not nice, is it?
This was a whole carton of that flavour.
Could be used as a base for a sauce if you were cooking pork and lamb together I suppose. A horrible thing indeed, never again.
4/10

Mock Pork

2006-05-29T16:33:00.000Z

Yes, it's true! I am branching out into food as well.

>
Pork, that has never been near a pig. Ingredients are mostly fried gluten, soy sauce, salt and additives.
Now, I've never understood vegetarians who eat fake meat, I mean, if you don't eat meat why would you want to eat something pretending to be it?
This stuff came from a chinese supermarket courtesy of Flatmate Dan.

So, let's see what's in this can....

Pinky red oily chunks swimming in oily fluid. Not very appetising, looks like cat food. It smells of soy sauce and non specific savouryness. There's no way I am silly enough to try and eat this on its own so I decided to use it in a stir fry.

Cooked with red pepper, water chestnut, spring onions, egg noodles and oyster sauce it does not exactly look lovely and exciting but I've had worse stuff.

It tastes like soy sauce and savouryness, just like the smell. Not as bad as it looks, but the texture is horrible, all spongey and grotesque, like chewing foam rubber.

It's technically edible I suppose, but not worth the 'bleurrrgh' factor
2/10

Zion Roots drink

2006-05-29T16:31:00.001Z

This stuff makes some quite extravagant claims about it's health giving properties and has a fascinating label. Rather than retyping here what it said I shall put closeups of the label.
Behold.

But does it do the washing up as well?

Anyhow. I drank it. The alcohol in it helped it go down smoother, but nothing could hide the fact that this stuff tastes like red Cinzano mixed with mud. Honestly. And there's sediment in the bottom which is also the colour and texture of... mud. Mmmm.
I think I can live without having this one again.
Hey, at least my reproductive and circulatory systems will be functioning better if the label was telling the truth (unlikely)
Dan asked me if this drink made me feel closer to Jah. I don't. I think the 'roots' in the title is to be taken literally. Being as it's made of roots.
This one was... interesting.
5/10

Pearl Milk tea

2006-05-29T16:31:00.000Z

Mmmmm. Starch balls...
Starch balls listed as an ingredient ought to be a bit of a warning signal, a bit like a sign on a road saying 'danger, missing bridge ahead'. But I have no regard for personal safety and sanity when it comes to stuff in cans so I plough onwards.
Poured this stuff into a glass. Looks like a can of cold tea. Then, with a nasty 'blop blop blop' the starch balls fall out. About the size of chickpeas and the colour of earwax. I take a sip. It's cold sweet milky tea. Not very nice but not extravagantly horrible. I get a fork as the starch balls have to be tried or I am not doing my testing duty. They are chewy and taste of pasta. Who on earth would have thought that starch balls and cold tea were a good match? It beggars all belief. Fucking sickos.
I decided to try a bit of an experiment. Don't ask me why, but I thought this might be nice frozen, so I stuck it in a tupperware and shoved it in the freezer. And I had pearl milk tea starch ball ice cream. It was... better. The starch bits were still an unwelcome intrusion. Um. I think it's been decided this is not so great. Unpleasent and confusing from the can, not too good as icecream. A bit better but still way off actually nice. And I really like tea.
At least now I know I like tea unless it's cold tea from a can with starch in it. It's been, um, a learning experience. Yeah.
4/10

Guyabano Nectar

2006-05-29T16:30:00.000Z

I bought this because I didn't know what a guyabano is. Was hoping it'd be interesting. It's one of those thick drinks that's more like a fruit puree than a juice. And it tastes of guava. Maybe a guyabano actually is a guava? Anyway, I don't know. It was nice. Too thick to be properly thirst quenching, but still good. This isn't as interesting as I thought it would be and I am a bit disappointed. Never mind. It was actually drinkable though and that is not to be sneered at.
7/10

Winter Melon Tea

2006-05-29T16:29:00.000Z

I didn't have high hopes for this as I think Winter Melon is some kind of savoury vegetable and it didn't sound very nice, but anyway... I tried it.
I opened the can, poured it into a glass, sniffed, and it looked and smelled just like the unholy foul Wax Gourd juice I tried the other week. Oh no, have I messed up and bought the same horrendous beverage twice? Sip, and, fortunately not. It's nasty, but not quite as stomach clenchingly hideous as the Wax Gourd. It tastes like it smells, and that is of cloying sweetness and a whiff of charity shops or old people. Not one to try again. And it does make me wonder, who on earth buys and drinks this stuff for enjoyment? Who? I cannot imagine this stuff being bought because someone enjoys the taste.
Icky. No thanks. And if anyone can enlighten me as to what a winter melon actually is then I'd be thankful.
2/10

I've been informed that a winter melon is the same thing as a wax gourd. Which explains a lot.

Love Pea Vine drink

2006-05-29T16:28:00.000Z

Ok, I admit I chose this one because the name made me laugh and reminded me a bit of sperm being called 'love piss' in Spaced.
It's watery, not sugary, and tastes very strongly of liquorice. Makes it a bit hard to drink, not overly gluggable. It also has a flavour of dates, kind of.
Not brilliant. This gets
5/10

Aloe Vera and Apple drink

2006-05-29T16:27:00.000Z

yum yum yum this is absolutely gorgeous. Apple juice but with bits of aloe pulp in it. Probably means it's quite good for you too... well, aloe is meant to be good for the skin and I can't see it doing any harm if you eat it. I'll buy this one again, and that's the first one so far I'd be willing to drink twice. Damn, it's good. I want some more!
Those that don't like drinks with bits in won't like it though.
9/10

Chrysanthemum Tea (canned)

2006-05-29T16:25:00.000Z

I've had this before I think and I remember not liking it.
This is violently yellow and too sweet, and tastes strongly of honey. I suppose you'll like it if you are a bee, otherwise not so sure. I've been informed it's lovely with vodka. Not as bad as I remembered but it's still a long way from great.
6/10

Peanut flavour Irish Moss

2006-05-29T16:24:00.000Z

I suppose I ought to have been given a clue this wasn't very nice when I told my friend Nik about it and his response was "Irish Moss? Don't they sell big bags of that in B&Q? Why the fuck would you want to eat it?". Well, I thought buying it in peanut flavour might be a safer bet because peanuts+sweet stuff usually=tasty, in most cases. I opened the can and tried to pour it into a glass, and waited, and waited.... and ended up wandering off to do some washing up in the hope it would be poured by the time I came back. Glutinous is not the word for this stuff. It's like... cum. But pale brown. It smelled pretty awful. Actually, it smelled of peat and garden centres. Like those big bags of compost you grow tomatoes in.
It tastes... horrible. It's absolutely disgusting, if it had not been in the soft drinks section of the corner shop I would not have believed that it was intended for human consumption. Thick gooey cum fluid, sticks to the inside of your mouth, like extra thick milkshake with a hint of peanut flavour and added compost. It tastes of goddamn garden centres just as much as it smells like it. There's also a strong chemical aftertaste as well. Fertilizer in there too? Wouldn't be surprised. This is absolutely fucking rank. I feel sick now.
I know this is supposed to be food and drink from the dark side but that surpassed even Wax Gourd juice. I think it's fair to say it is one of the absolute worst things I have ever had in my mouth.
I'm going to have a cup of tea now to try and take the taste away. I can't believe anyone would voluntarily consume this vile concoction.
0/10
and I'll be having nightmares about this one for a long time.

Crunchy Water Chestnut drink

2006-05-29T16:23:00.001Z

Water Chestnut as a component for something sweet would have thoroughy caused me to go 'what the fuck?' until a couple of months ago when I had a fruit salad at a Vegetarian Chinese buffet place that had water chestnuts and cucumber in it along with the fruit and it was quite nice. So trying this was not as scary as trying some of the other recent drinks. It's basic and boring. Sugar, water, water chestnuts. The water chestnuts are chopped up and floating around in the drink, which is the colour of pale urine. It tastes exactly as if I had made a weak syrup from demerara sugar and water and bunged in a load of chopped up water chestnuts. It's ok, I suppose. Not anything to write home about, and not horrible either. Boring.
5/10

Basil seed drink (banana flavour)

2006-05-29T16:23:00.000Z

This stuff sounded too bizarre to be missed. Basil and bananas are not something I'd ever imagined consuming at the same time, especially not in liquid form, so I decided that it had to be done. Let the weirdness commence.
I poured this out into a glass before drinking and I am so glad I did because it's a strange looking beverage. Basically, it looks almost exactly like frogspawn (see picture below)

See? Not exactly appetising.
But since I'm a ~~brave~~ stupid girl I drank a bit anyhow and something odd happened... the seeds or embryonic tadpoles or whatever weren't that unpleasent after all. They tasted the same as the drink they were floating in, which was a bit overly sweet and banana ish but not quite. Tasted like banana milkshake mix and something else I'm not sure of, just general fruity sweetness. A bit sickly sweet but not bad, but those seeds... a bit like tapioca dessert but more solid. If you can imagine drinking very small (4mm across) peeled grapes it was a bit like that. Bloody odd but quite enjoyable. Definitely a case of it looks a hell of a lot worse than it tastes. I'd love to try incorporating this into some kind of cocktail, it'd be pretty amazing.
8/10

Pineapple, Apple and Peach jelly drink

2006-05-29T16:22:00.000Z

Jelly in a plastic cup with the lid sealed on. This actually appears to be vegan since Carragheen (seaweed) is listed as the setting agent. How odd. It's thin jelly with chunks of thicker jelly and small white globular things floating about in it and the taste and texture are reminiscent of birthday parties as a child, canned fruit salad, and additives. It's quite nice I suppose, the kind of drinks in plastic sealed cups where you have to pierce the lid with the straw are usually rank beyond belief and it's certainly possible to consume this without needing to vomit.
It was agreed that this was quite nice but I don't think it really counts as a drink. More like a portable dessert. Thirst quenching properties are pretty much nil, but it's definitely not horrible.
For being nostalgia-inducing and also for being jelly it is possible to eat on the train without disaster, this gets
7/10

Real update later, mmmkay?

Coconut juice with pulp

2006-05-29T16:21:00.000Z

This is quite alarming as the list of ingredients is very short: just coconut juice, coconut pulp, water and sugar, which means although it's not exactly good for you, it's not going to kill you either.
It tastes of coconut, fairly obviously, but not like fresh coconut. More like toasted coconut, the kind you get in macaroons or in bags from health food shops. It's another one with 'bits' floating around in it, but this time they are bits of actual coconut, rather than some hideous gelatine fabrication. It's reasonably refreshing, all around pleasent but not too exciting really.
This is ok if you like coconut, but not extravagantly wonderful OHMYGOD I NEED ANOTHER CAN kind of good so it gets
6/10

Marcianitos

2006-05-29T16:20:00.000Z

God knows where these came from. Ben went to the shops last night and brought them back with him.
Mmmmmm. Martians. I don't speak Spanish but I am guessing what that means, and also that it's in Spanish. Plastic bottles in the shape of aliens filled with lurid coloured liquid. I'm guessing shape and colour is to make them appeal to kids, but seriously, with that amount of colouring the little buggers will be bouncing off the walls for the rest of the afternoon. To get the lid off, scissors were required to snip the top, and once opened I took a cautious sip from each in turn. I also invited Ben, Baawo and two people who happened to be in the living room to try them and our conclusions were these:
Green: Undiluted lime cordial that makes your mouth twist and spasm. Not pleasent sourness, needlessly aggressively flavoured.
Red: Like those jelly sweets coated in sour crystals, haribo tangfastics, or whatever, but with nasty juice that's gone a bit off rather than a sweet centre.
Yellow: Views on this were mixed. One person maintained it was the worst of all, another quite liked it. I think it smelt like toilet cleaner and that is always offputting. I've never drank toilet cleaner so it might be a bit like this, I don't know.
Brown: Cheapest of cheap cola in the world. Flat, rotten tasting and thirst inducing. Even worse than Panda Cola, which I thought was the nadir of fizzy brown stuff. Until I had the misfortune to drink this.
It was agreed that all flavours tasted a bit like cheap melted ice lollies (popsicles for those reading who are american), and that they made you thirstier than before you started. They were all unpleasently sweet and painfully sour at the same time, but the scariest thing about them is this: Over the course of the afternoon I drank all of them. Drained them. I didn't like them but I could not stop drinking them. I'm scared.
AVOID. There's probably crack in them or something.
I know I drank them all, but the score gets one point deducted for the silly alien bottle packaging and the infuriating lids. And I didn't enjoy them, I just could not stop.
3/10

Tamarind juice

2006-05-29T16:17:00.000Z

This is the last can from the batch I got from the Chinese supermarket so I shall be going back tomorrow to find some more delights to review for you all. This can was dented so I got 12p off it, and that made me feel lucky. I had high hopes for this one as I love tamarind. If you haven't eaten it, it's pretty often available at Indian restaurants as a chutney/dipping sauce, with a sweet and savoury flavour. I hoped the juice would match up.
Opening the can there was no fizz and hiss of carbonation, which relieved me as fizzy tamarind may have been a step too far. Tasted, and... Nice. Very nice indeed. Tamarind is a bit of an acquired taste and whether you like this drink or not will hinge solely on whether you like tamarind or not. I'll try and describe the taste as best I can: a bit like date, a bit like plum, with a kind of darker hint of dried figs and of savoury pungent spices. Sorry, I know that probably won't help, but this is a case where you'll either love or hate it anyway.
This isn't too sweet but it's very concentrated and strong flavoured, and would be easier to drink if watered down a bit. Very nice though, thumbs up.
This would have been a 9/10 but it was a little bit too concentrated so it gets...
8.5/10

Wax Gourd juice

2006-05-29T16:16:00.000Z

Pretty green can, odd green vegetable in the picture on it. This one could go either way. Open it and pour it into a glass. It's the colour of apple juice. Good, not too outlandish. Sip, thinking that maybe this is actually going to be drinkable and.... retch.
This is vile. Foul, foul, foul, foul, possibly the worst canned drink I've ever had. I make Baawo try a bit as I can't compare the horrible flavour to anything and he agrees that it is indeed repulsive. We identify the taste as being like golden syrup with an aftertaste of nail varnish remover and melon rind.
It doesn't look as appealing in the glass any more. Not now I've tasted it. Apple juice? Nope, it looks like morning urine from someone with a kidney infection.
There are no circumstances, ever, where this could be enjoyable to drink. None. It is horrible beyond the level of anything else I have tried and is about to be poured down the sink never to be seen again. Fucking grim.
0/10 (If it was possible to give this a negative score, I would)

Grass Jelly Drink

2006-05-29T16:14:00.000Z

I was a bit apprehensive about trying this one after the last one turned out to be foul, but this is actually not too bad. I had no idea what to expect: imagining the taste of 'grass jelly' is beyond the capabilities of my feeble mind. It's coca cola coloured with bits of jelly substance floating in it. The jelly bits are a little odd but actually not that bad. The drink itself tastes of honey, pretty much. Honey, with a slight floral taste in there too. It's very sweet, so I experimented by watering it down a bit, and putting in some ice cubes, and it was much more palatable. Something tells me this would be fucking lush with vodka in it to cut the sweetness a bit.
The verdict? Nice, once you get used to the strange texture. Not bad at all.
8/10

Carambola Juice

2006-05-26T11:19:00.000Z

From what I can see on the can, I think that this is starfruit juice. A little surprising as I was not aware that anyone actually ate starfruit, much less made juice out of them. I was under the impression that they were something that posh people put in fruit salad at dinner parties to try and impress each other with their obscure fruit products.
On opening the can I get a whiff of it. It doesn't smell very fruity. I take a sip and this suspicion is confirmed. It has a thick texture, like apricot nectar, but smoother than that. The taste is a bit custardy and a lot like Calpol (for the non-Brits, cough medicine), the sort that is meant to be fruit flavoured, but without the medicinal aftertaste (or ingredients, hopefully).
Not very fruity, also too sweet and hard to drink since it has next to no effect on thirst. I was going to try it watered down a bit to see if that helped make it more drinkable, but I decided I'd rather not since I really did not like it.
3/10.